All Things New

My favorite friends. I am sitting here in a puddle of tears trying to think of an opening statement with which to begin this very special blog. Over the last year and a half I have poured so much of my heart out to all of you precious readers, and in return so many of you have been a constant source of encouragement and support to me on this journey. I feel as if it would only be fair to share some very exciting news with all of you first and fore most, before it becomes public knowledge to everyone else.

My husband and I are thrilled beyond words to share that we are expecting a baby! This is a blog that I had faith I would be writing someday, and today is that day. The moment has finally arrived! I could not be happier or more filled with gratitude by God’s faithfulness and kindness. He is SO GOOD!

Before I divulge into this miraculous story, and yes, it IS miraculous, I need to tell all of you just how much I have gone back and forth on writing this particular blog. I know many of my readers may still be struggling with infertility issues and I in NO WAY want this blog to be a slap in the face or an unsympathetic gesture. I know what it’s like to feel like everyone is pregnant except you. If there is anything I want this blog and my story to convey to you, it’s hope. Hope because I believe Jesus can make all things new. Brand spankin’ new. Let me tell you how this has happened for me over the past 4 months…

You may remember in my last blog I mentioned my husband and I went in for a consultation about doing a procedure  called Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) back in January. We had taken a break from all the  fertility treatments and meds, and in January felt that we were ready to go ahead and move forward with the next step. When we left the doctors office that day, I don’t know if we’ve ever felt more hopeless. Among many other negative statements, the doctor told me I had a 20% chance of ever becoming pregnant, and an even lower chance of ever carrying a baby to full term. The steps we would to have to take to go ahead with this procedure seemed insurmountable, and even if we went through with it, I was at a very high risk of miscarrying again.

As hopeless and upset as I felt, I also felt a sense of urgency in my spirit. I knew God had not brought us through all of this,  for us to sit by and feel hopeless. I remember telling my husband that same evening that I was not doing anything else until I knew I had heard directly from God. I was tired of running in circles in the infertility game and getting what seemed to be nowhere. We decided that night that we would do whatever it took to hear from God for ourselves about what our next step would be, no matter what it entailed. Whether it meant more fertility treatments, adoption, or if God would indeed allow us to conceive naturally. We decided to go on a 3 day fast and petition God for an answer, and let Him know we were serious about hearing His voice about our situation. I wanted to know for myself what to do next. No more waiting games.

Let me tell you about the 3 day fast. It was horrible. No food for 3 days is no joke. I remember I ordered 2 cookbooks during those 3 days (weird, I know), our car broke down on the side of the interstate, I could barely pray since I couldn’t even hear myself think over the growling of my stomach, and I was really, really grumpy. There were so many times my husband and I both wanted to quit because we just felt like we weren’t getting anywhere. However, we stood firm on our decision and by God’s grace we made it! (I don’t ever think I’ve been so happy to eat anything in my life!) Then the REAL waiting game began.

Fast forward to February. February 16th to be exact. I had just gotten home that evening from surprising and spending time with one of my best friends in Georgia. I was exhausted from the trip and the last thing on my mind was anything spiritual, or anything pertaining to the 3 day fast we had done several weeks prior. As we were catching up over dinner, my husband mentioned in passing an online message he had listened to the night before. It was a message called, “Nazarite DNA” by a man named Lou Engle. I was vaguely familiar with reading about Nazarites in the Bible, but I had no idea the depth of what it truly meant. My husband explained to me the message he heard was about living a separate lifestyle, completely consecrated and bound by love to Jesus Christ. Literally laying everything aside and vowing to be raised up to help change the world. It truly moved him in a powerful way. We finished up our chat, and left the house to head to prayer that evening at our church. (Our church was in the middle of 21 days of fasting & prayer) It had been an immensely long day, and I was about spent by 7pm that night. I was in the middle of what honestly seemed to be half hearted (and half asleep) prayers, when I felt prompted to read the story of Hannah. I brushed it off as nothing, and went back to praying. A few minutes later, I felt prompted to read the story again. I didn’t have my Bible with me, so I grabbed my phone to look up the exact reference of the story of Hannah. The very first thing that popped up on my screen was Wikipedia so I went with it. I clicked on the link to read the story. I scrolled down the page, reading the story (for what seemed the millionth time) of this barren woman who pleaded with God over and over for a child. When I came to this line, I got chills all over my body. “One day Hannah went up to the temple, and prayed with great weeping..in her prayer she asked God for a son and in return she vowed to give the son back to God. She promised he would remain a NAZARITE all the days of his life.”  I sat there staring at it like it was the first time I had read this part of the story. A Nazarite? I found it rather coincidental that my husband, not an hour before, had told me about a life changing message about being a Nazarite. Then I remembered I don’t believe in coincidences. I ran over to my husband and told him what had happened, and before I could say the words he said them for me. Samuel (Hannah’s miracle son) was a Nazarite. She had consecrated him before he was even conceived and God heard her cry and saw her desire. We just sat there staring at each other and then it clicked. This was the word we had prayed and fasted for. We immediately began to cry and I remember sitting there hand in hand with my husband as he began to pray. That night, at about 8pm, we consecrated our unborn children to Jesus. We promised that we would give our children back to Him. We vowed that we would do everything in our power to help them live a life bound to Him, and help them develop a desire to lay down everything and change the world for His kingdom. I cannot tell you how powerful and unbelievably close I felt God’s presence during those few moments. I’m not sure my husband and I have ever prayed such heartfelt prayers together, knowing that an answer was on the way. The peace that I felt in that moment was absolutely unexplainable. I knew God had everything in His hands. My husband turned to me after we had finished praying and said, “I believe you will be pregnant soon.” I believed what he said, but I had no idea how just how ‘soon’.

Well, my friends, ONE MONTH later I found out I was pregnant. Not one month after taking fertility medication or doing any fertility procedures. Nope. One month after petitioning God and consecrating our unborn children to Him. That’s what made the difference. I wrote a blog several months ago about how emptiness drives a hunger. I had no idea that I was preaching to myself.  When a man or woman desires something enough to lay down everything and consecrate everything, Jesus Christ takes notice. Apparently, we got His attention.

Part of my  previous diagnosis was a very unhealthy and thin uterine lining. Progesterone levels bottoming out. There would ‘never’ be a way to hold on to a baby or support a pregnancy. I got blood work done the same day I found out the news. My hcg levels were wonderful. Healthy. My progesterone levels? Well somehow, someway, they were absolutely perfect. Funny how that works out, huh?! I remember listening to the nurse tell me this over the phone, and I couldn’t help but let the tears stream down my face. God had not just given me a baby, He had completely healed me. Two verses in Revelation came to me immediately. “And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. Then He who sat on the throne said, Behold, I make ALL THINGS NEW. And He said to me, write for these words are true and faithful.” Revelation 21:4-5

God just didn’t give me a pregnancy that was unhealthy and troubled. The verse says He makes all things new. Not ‘like’ new. BRAND NEW. I have been claiming this verse since I found out I was pregnant. Old things are gone, all things are new. I still can’t get over how amazing He is. I give Jesus Christ ALL the glory for this miracle that has taken place in our lives. This is why I felt like I needed to share our miraculous story. Not to make anyone feel less because they previously have or are going through fertility treatments, but because I cannot keep this testimony to myself of what God is able to do. I cannot even begin to tell all of you that I have literally fought the devil off of my back and out of my dreams about writing this blog. He did NOT want it to happen. Coming out of a wilderness season always give you a voice, and I refuse to let anything silence my voice! The Bible says, ..”For the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophesy.” Revelation 19:10  The testimony is the spoken or written word of what God has done. The spoken or written word carries a prophetic anointing. I am no prophet, but what God has done for me can be a sign of God wanting to raise up a generation of “Nazarites” to change our world.  If I have ever believed in miracles and the supernatural power of healing, it is now. If He made everything new for me, I have no doubts He can and will do the same for you. If a man or woman so desires….(Numbers 6:2)

I never know exactly how to wrap up a blog, but in this case, I will say this. I am 12 weeks pregnant. I have had the absolute joy of seeing my baby three times by ultrasound, and I cannot think of anything in life I have loved more. Every time I have been in the doctors office they have raved about how healthy the baby is growing, how perfect my uterine lining looks, and how everything ‘somehow’ looks perfect. I just smile. Reeeeeally big. Jesus, my Jesus, made everything brand spankin’ new.

The Hunger Games

Oh blogland, I’ve missed you. I think about a writing a new blog every day, and oh how I wish I could. There is truly nothing I love more than sitting down to write a blog, especially when my words come easy, and when I can speak from my heart. Recently, I’ve been perusing through all of the blogs I have written for this site, and on the subject of miscarriage and infertility. My goal is to someday, put it all into a book. Shortly after I miscarried, I remember searching high and low for a book that would help me deal with miscarriage and the roller coaster of emotions I was dealing with on a daily basis. My search came up empty over and over again, however, it did prompt me to begin this blog.

As I read through all my previous entries, I noticed a common thread. Through each and every blog, I was constantly in search of something, some sort of emptiness to be filled, or a part of my heart that remained broken needing to be reassembled. Jesus has been in fiery pursuit of me. And ironically enough, it wasn’t until the beginning of all of this infertility and miscarriage ordeal, that I realized just how much He wants my all of my heart. Yes, there have been times in my life when I have felt God drawing me and pursuing me, but never before have I felt such a hunger to be in His presence, to be immersed in His Word, and just to be close to Him. I guess you could say I have realized and experienced what it really means to have Him fill the empty spaces and feed my hunger. He has romanced me through the entirety of this trial. No, I’m not pregnant. He hasn’t chosen to answer that prayer…yet. However, I can truthfully and painfully honestly say, that if I had not gone through this, I wonder what it would have taken for me to finally give in to Jesus’ pursuit of my heart? Would I ever have been hungry enough to pursue Him if everything was going my way? I don’t know.

God has opened doors, and He has closed doors on this road of infertility travels. After taking a break for several months, and after several months of prayer for our next step, my husband and I decided to try the IUI (intrauterine insemination) route. After our first meeting and consultation with the doctor who would be doing the procedure, we both left the office with a feeling of complete and utter shock. A door that we had prayed to be opened was just slammed directly in our faces. I’m not sure if I ever actually stopped crying that day, mostly because I questioned God as to why He would answer our prayers that way. One thing I have learned is that when you surrender everything to Him, you can’t go back on your word. Nope. I asked God a long time ago to take control, and although it’s not really going the way that I thought it would, I trust Him completely. It’s been my only saving grace to the “Not Now” answer He gave us about the IUI. This answer literally drove me to my knees, and I completely understood for the first time what the Bible meant when it talked about how a barren woman named Hannah prayed for a child. (See 1 Samuel 1:1-28)

You see, there is something about barrenness that drives a hunger. A desire for something more. The word ‘barren’ can go a long way in its description, not just in reference to infertility. I wonder sometimes if we understand that the feeling of emptiness and hunger will eventually make us do whatever we have to do to fill the void. I truly think that’s what Hannah was feeling the day she came to the temple (for probably what seemed the millionth time) to pray for a child. She was acting so out of character in her prayers that the high priest thought she was drunk! Is this what barrenness is supposed to cause?! Surely not. Surely God wants us to just sit around and wallow in our bitterness and self pity. NO. NO. NO! A thousand times, NO! If you are truly hungry, or ‘barren’, you are a prime candidate for something indescribable to take place in your life. Think of your barrenness, your hunger, your emptiness as an opportunity to get as close to Jesus as you possibly can. There is something that will be birthed in your life, and this is the way it’s supposed to happen. Go ahead and give in! I’m telling you, you won’t regret it.

I’m positive Hannah didn’t regret praying crazy prayers in the temple that day when God granted her request and gave her a son. Nope! I’m sure she didn’t regret the emptiness she felt for so many years, because it drove her to a place in God that she may not have otherwise been! If her life would have been going so perfectly, would she have prayed those same prayers that day? I doubt it. Jesus was pursuing her. Do you see? The same way He’s trying to get through to you and me! He is in a full out, dead on pursuit of our hearts and lives. This poses the question: Just how hungry are you?

Before my thoughts of a baby or my dreams of children, I was content. Content with the way my life was going, and content with my relationship with Jesus. I guess you could say a wrench got thrown in there somewhere. However, I have never been more thankful for any trial in my 28 years, because each and every day I feel like Jesus has pulled me a little closer. He has filled the hunger of my heart a little more. He has shown Himself so mighty, beyond what I could have ever known. Would I have known it if I wouldn’t have been barren? Only He knows.

Jesus loves us so much, that He pursued us and brought us to this place, just so we could bask in the blessings He has for our future with an incredible thankfulness, simply because we will know what it was like to be barren.

“And she said, Oh my lord, as thy soul liveth, my lord, I am the woman that stood by thee here, praying unto the Lord. For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of Him.” 1 Samuel 1:26-27

 

 

I Choose to See

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by God’s kindness? Are there ever days when you feel like you could just sit and cry because the grace that you have been granted overtakes you? I do. Let me ‘splain.

So many times I associate the kindness of Jesus with tangible blessings. Or, I think that maybe I’ll hand Him the “nice” card when He decides it’s my time for children. I realize just how much I miss out on when I choose to see only what I WANT to see, and not bask in the blessings He reveals to me on a daily basis. I can’t count how many times I sit back and wait around to have a positive pregnancy test, get a fantastic doctor’s report, or actually carry a baby without miscarrying, because obviously, when this happens, I will ‘choose’ to see the kindness of my Creator. I’ve chosen to base God’s kindness on what I think He will do for me. I have literally short changed myself for so long. I have missed out on more than I can imagine.

I have warped thinking, and since I am going through a trial, I somehow believe the lie that while I’m in the thick of it, God chooses to withhold blessings until I have proven myself worthy of His kindness. My warped thinking also generates the unnecessary belief that since God allowed this trial to happen, His kindness and grace are on hold. The more I pray and dig into His word, the more I have come to realize how absolutely wrong I am. (Not easy to admit!)

Over the last couple of months, my husband and I have wrestled with making big decisions about exactly how far this infertility journey is going to lead. Do we do that certain procedure? Do I take those meds? What exactly do we do when we find out our insurance has reneged on what they are willing to pay? Do we wait to see if something better will come along? I find myself waiting around for God to magically “show” His kindness. Of course to me, showing His kindness would mean making this trial disappear. I hope you are laughing at my transparency. It sounds so much better in my head!

Although I have not raised children, I was raised by two unbelievable parents. As I grew up, I can recall multiple times when I would be suffering through a situation, and in the midst of the suffering, my parents chose to show me kindness. I’m convinced that if it was ever in their power to pull me out of the situation and the suffering, they would have done it in a heartbeat. However, I am also convinced that, for the most part, they usually knew something I did not. They knew that I needed to go through whatever type of suffering it was, to come out on the other side and learn what I needed to learn, or understand the blessing behind the suffering. This is no way meant that during the trial, even in times when I brought it on myself, they wouldn’t speak to me, comfort me, love me, or show kindness to me. They NEVER left me to fight or suffer alone. During the times of my weakest moments or my greatest struggles, I can recall the kindness and love my parents continuously gave.

If my earthly parents love me that much, just how much more does my Heavenly Father adore me and want to show kindness to me? During my darkest moments of this ordeal, how much has He wanted to bestow kindness so unfathomable and I have chosen to decline because I did not fully understand the depth of His grace?! I am so busy wondering about when this will all be over, or how I can opt out of the suffering and the trial, that I remain unmoved by the kindness of the Lover of my soul.

“Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy.” 1 Peter 4:12-13

Since my ‘aha’ moment, as I was saying at the beginning of this blog, there have been times when I just sit and cry when I think about how kind Jesus has been to me. I’m not just talking about because of things He has given me. I’m talking about how when friends call and tell me they are praying and fasting for my situation. When someone I rarely speak to dreams an amazingly prophetic dream about my exact situation, and they are moved with immense emotion and the presence of God fills the space we are standing as they tell the dream. When a precious friend felt moved to send me an album off iTunes, and the words to the first song that I hear are almost verbatim what I literally have been crying out to God in my prayers. When I open my Bible after a rough morning, and my Psalms scripture for the day is this: “He gives childless couples a family, gives them joy as the parents of children.” Psalm 113:9

 I’m telling you. This is what I have missed. I have never fully understood His kindness or grace until now. I know He will never force me to understand. This is why I choose to see not only the kindness God has for the future, but for what He wants to reveal to me in the now. I choose to look for the ways He is telling me He is with me in the midst of all of this.  I choose to accept the kindness in the middle of the suffering. I choose to see. Join me?

Sherah

 

Broken is Beautiful

I need to start out this first blog of 2012 telling you that I have been praying for you. Yes, you. The one reading this blog. Don’t count yourself out if you are a man, or even someone who has never struggled with infertility. I have been moved to pray for the readers of this blog, that somehow, someway, you will experience healing. That goes without saying, I have no idea who reads this, and I have no idea what, exactly you face, or where, exactly you may need healing. Regardless, I have been praying for you!

For the most part, my blog focuses mainly on women dealing with infertility, miscarriage, and the emotions that come along with these painful struggles. However, I am making an exception with this particular blog. I think sometimes I get in the mindset that I’m the only one going through a trial. I believe the lie that everyone around me is living it up and having the time of their lives with no troubles or problems. Well, no problems as big as “MINE”. I have truly asked God to change my thinking, and I should have known it wasn’t going to be easy. My prayer has been, “break my heart for what breaks Yours”. That, my friends, is where all of you come into play. As I began to pray over my handful of friends and family, I thought of multiple situations that warrant supernatural healing. Maybe it’s not just infertility, but what about cancer, broken relationships and families, financial crisis, loneliness, bitterness, wounded hearts, confusion …the list goes on and on. Jesus began to gently reveal to me that,*big gulp* it’s not all about me. I am not the only broken one of the bunch. I said all that to say this. Today, this blog is for you. The one that feels broken.

You’re not the only one you know. I’m right there with you. There are times I feel so broken, so weak, that everything that is supposed to fill me up just leaks out through all the cracked pieces of my heart. No matter how hard I try and pray to remain ‘unbroken’, it just doesn’t work. As I have come to realize, the more I pray to remain unbroken, the more broken I become. I have also come to realize that brokenness is precious in the eyes of Jesus. I think we all get the idea that if we want God to notice us or hear our prayers, we have to act tough and like we’ve got it all together. Do we really think our own strength is going to hold us together?! 2 Corinthians 12:9 says this, ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” I am boasting about my weaknesses, here! I have come to the understanding that Jesus Christ responds to brokenness. As daunting as it sounds, this is where He does His best work. If we act unbreakable, eventually we are going to become bitter that God has not intervened in our situation, whatever it may be. There are heartfelt prayers that will ONLY come when you are absolutely and utterly broken. “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and a contrite (repentant) heart. These, Oh God, You will not despise.” Psalm 51:17

Jesus Christ will never waste brokenness. He knows every single tear you have shed over your situation. We don’t have to be afraid to be broken and let the not-so-pretty-side of our hearts show. The funny thing is, what we see as broken, Jesus sees as beautiful. He sees it as the perfect time to release His strength and accomplish His plans for our lives. The other funny thing is that when we watch God begin to heal our brokenness, He will never seem more beautiful. The kind of beautiful that takes your breath away.

I can honestly say that dealing with miscarriages and infertility has left me broken. I can also honestly say that through the entirety of the past year, Jesus Christ has never become more beautiful to me. I have literally clung to Him for dear life.

Maybe it’s not infertility you struggle with but maybe it’s unforgiveness or bitterness. Maybe someone you love is losing their battle with cancer and you have done all you know to do. Maybe your marriage is falling apart, and there is nothing else you can do to try and make it work. Maybe you have never felt more alone in your entire life, and all the things that were supposed to make you happy have turned up empty. Good news. Today is your day. Jesus Christ loves you so much that He is using this twenty-something girl from Kentucky who can barely type out emotion to tell you how beautiful He wants to become to you. YOU. Broken is not really the way you would normally want introduce yourself to someone for the first time, or anytime for that matter. However, He is the only One I know who can put all the pieces back together.

When you hurt, He hurts. The only way you can truly be healed is by letting Jesus piece back together the hurts of your life. Along with brokenness will come a peace that is unexplainable. I know because I have experienced it. As painful of a process as it may be, let Him rearrange the pieces to fit exactly right. In the midst of being broken, God will bring healing, and something absolutely beautiful will take place in our lives that could only be done through brokenness.

“He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

I’m not really sure who this blog is for, since many of you come here looking for encouragement for dealing with infertility. This blog is definitely out of the ordinary. But, I can only hope and pray that whoever you are, you let Jesus heal your hurts. Much love.

Sherah

Musings over the last year…

I can’t help but dream about Heaven today. It’s so hard to believe that it’s been exactly year since we lost something so close to our hearts. As I thought about it yesterday, I recounted all the details of what was probably the scariest day of my life. If you would have told me 5 years ago that someday I would get pregnant, have a miscarriage, and live to tell about it, I wouldn’t have believed you for a second! When I look back over the course of this year, I can truly say it has been the best of times, and the worst of times all wrapped into one.

I remember writing my very first blog, and before I hit the “publish” button I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest! I know I have said it before, but writing this blog has truly been one of the most difficult, but most rewarding things I’ve ever done. I’m not really sure why God chose me to be a spokesperson for this topic, but I can say I have never had a heart so full of empathy for women who go through the pain of miscarriage and infertility as I do today. They are my heartbeat. Maybe I’ll never have 1,000 subscribers to my blog, but if I can reach out to just one woman who is hurting, it won’t be in vain.

God has worked me over this year! I have never learned so much about myself and exactly where the rubber meets the road when it comes down to it. I have learned that saying ‘I trust’ is one thing, but actually trusting? Another story. I have learned that I must pray against bitterness because at any given second it can flare its ugly head. I have also learned to cling for dear life to the Word of Jesus Christ. There have been multiple times I’ve been so low, and His Word literally comes alive and speaks directly into my life.

I guess you can say, one year ago today, I would have told you no good would come from a miscarriage. However, today I choose to look from God’s perspective. I know He wouldn’t wound me to bring pain without a promise of a blessing. Maybe it is the only way He could do a specific work through my life. ” ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

I’m so thankful we have the promise of Heaven. Some days it is all I can think about! I picture what our baby looks like and his or her personality. I know Jesus had to smile just a little bigger when our little angel danced on streets of gold for the first time! Someday, I will hug that sweet angel and say, “You were worth the wait!”

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

Thank you so much for all of you who have taken the time to read my blog, respond to my blog, email me, hug me, pray for me, send a thoughtful card, or say an encouraging word throughout this last year. Words could never express the gratitude that overflows in my heart for each and every one of you.

I’m looking ahead to a another year with hope and expectation, ready to receive the blessings Jesus has in store.

Sherah

 

 

 

Dreams and…Locusts?!

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Or so the narrative goes. My emotions have been on overdrive for the last few weeks, especially since the holidays are coming up a little more quickly than I would appreciate. Holidays that were not meant to be spent without a baby. The end of November will be a year since I found out I was pregnant, and a year since that dreaded day in December when I realized those dreams were not going to come true. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was scrolling through old pictures on my phone just a few days ago, when I came across all the pictures and videos I had taken over those few weeks of my pregnancy. Pictures of the teeny tiny baby shoes on my Christmas tree, my Mom’s “Grandma’s Sweetie” bib she had hanging on her Christmas tree, my husbands face when I told him the news, and my in laws hilarious and joyous expressions that we caught on video. It just sat there staring. I can’t re-watch the videos. I can’t delete them, either. Same with the pictures. My heart skips a beat every time I scroll past them, but I can’t look at them or get rid of them. How is it possible to love something so much that it still makes your heart break into a million pieces at merely a thought of what could have been? After a year of trying to figure it out, I’m still flabbergasted!

With every month that passed throughout this year, I have dreamt of a baby. Every month held a new chance, another opportunity for our situation to be turned around. Surely it would be March, ok July, wait, maybe October. Every month I would say to myself, “If I’m not pregnant, it’s going to be fine. I will be fine. It will happen soon.” I would coach myself in acting “fine” to other people and try painfully hard to make myself believe it was all ok. Some months it worked, some months I laid on my couch and felt sorry for myself. How do you really act fine when one of the biggest dreams of your life is not coming true? How is it ok when it seems like you’ve done everything you know to do, and still your dreams are not being fulfilled? The last time I took a pregnancy test and got the results, I literally googled, “coping with a negative pregnancy test”. That’s when I decided I’m done taking pregnancy tests once and for all. Too many emotions riding on one stick to tell you the fate of your life. No thanks. (You’ll probably see me on “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant” sooner or later, haha!)

I guess you could say I feel like my ‘womanhood’ is on the line. I’ve always dreamt of being a mother. I truly believe it is one of the highest callings on earth. I never had huge aspirations of becoming extremely successful at any certain career, because I knew I would give it all up in an instant when I started having babies. I never really put much thought into what would happen if I couldn’t have children. Here are the questions that constantly circulate through my head: “If I never have children, will it make me less of a woman? Will my husband think less of me because I can’t give him the babies he wanted? Will my family be disappointed that I can’t give them little legacies? Will my friends lose interest in me because I don’t have children, and therefore, won’t have much to talk about?” If you do have children and have never struggled with infertility, these questions will seem ridiculous to you. However, when life hits you smack dab in the face and your reality is bigger than your dreams, you begin to question yourself. You begin to question your womanhood, and if you really have what it takes. I’m not trying to stand on my soap box and make myself seem like a martyr for the cause. I know too many women that deal with this, and I for one, am tired of dreaming with a broken heart, holding out hope for just a glimmer of something that might make me feel better about my situation.

So, as it usually happens, I came across a verse. I’ve read this verse a million times. I’ve heard it preached a million times. But, when I read it the other day after another morning of those same thoughts spiraling through my head it took on a new meaning. “And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten..my great army which I sent among you.” Another version explains it in more detail: “I will make up for the years of the locust, the great locust devastation, locust savage, locusts deadly, fierce locusts, locusts of doom, that great locust invasion I sent your way.” Joel 2:25

 Maybe you’re thinking, “Ok, what do locusts have to do with dreams of a baby?” In the Bible, locusts are known as creatures of great destruction. Remember the plagues in Egypt? Locusts were one of them. They invade in extremely powerful numbers and leave nothing but devastation in their wake. They would not only annihilate everything for one year, but completely destroy the land so that it would not recover or become fruitful for several years. Can anyone relate? However, in this verse God is promising us that He will protect us, and will not only prevent more devastation from heading our way, but He will also RESTORE and REPAY us for the years we have been devastated! So, all those days when you and I feel like everything we have dreamt about for years has been ripped away by miscarriage and infertility, you can just smile really big because God promised to restore those to us. Every single time you or I feel like less of a woman because we are not holding a baby, God promises to repay us and make up for those feelings! God knows we are women. He created our emotions. There is no one in this life I trust more than Jesus Christ to restore the hurts and devastations of my heart. I will hold Him to this promise until it happens. I want those years back! I want the restoration that He said He would give! If Jesus is looking down from Heaven right now, I am the blonde-haired girl in Kentucky dancing and shouting, “I’ll take restoration for this year! I’ll take repayment for the hurts and the loss! I’ll take the fruitful years instead of the ones the locust has eaten! I’ll take it now, Jesus!” I am overcome with emotion to think I am not the only one dancing and shouting. My prayer is that all of us, I said ALL of us, would receive repayment and restoration for the days, months, and years of ‘locust devastation’. No longer will we have to dream with broken hearts, but hearts that are not only full, but hearts that have been upended by restoration and grace. Y’all. I am so ready.

“Do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God,  you will receive what He has promised.” Hebrews 10:35-36 

I’m praying for you this holiday season! ((hugs))

Sherah
 

 

 

 

Laugh out Loud

I have to laugh. I seriously, undoubtedly, most definitely just have to crack up right now. I really love to laugh, and I have not done enough of it until just recently. I was running on my treadmill today, (more on that later) and I just got to thinking about some of the stuff that I, and many of you, have been going through, and I could not stop laughing! Trust me. I have had my share of boohoo’s and down in the dumps days. However, while going against my Dr.’s orders and running (gasp!), I got so tickled, that I knew I just had to share the funnies.

Can we just please be real and say that sometimes life really STINKS. I mean, come on. I don’t know how else to say it nicely! I will spare you the details, (because most of you that have been through any sort of fertility treatments can read between the lines), but let me tell you, some of the stuff that I have had to do over the last several months is downright hysterical. Along with that, some of the side effects and horror-mones (I renamed hormones, thank you very much) will have you wondering if you are losing your ever-loving mind. Hmm. Maybe that’s why I feel so odd?! Back to topic.

At my last check up with my NP at the fertility clinic these were the lovely words from her mouth, “This prescription may make you gain weight.” Great. Super. Fanfreakintastic. Just what EVERY non pregnant woman wants to hear, right?! What’s even more hilarious is what she said next. “No running or any activity that could impact the quality of your eggs.” So, let me wrap this up for you all like a Christmas package. I am going to gain weight, I cannot exercise, and I am not pregnant. Does any one else see the irony in this?!! I hope someone out there can laugh with me! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not making light of these things, because truly, there have been days I have felt completely helpless and devastated about this whole ordeal. And I know those days will probably most likely reoccur. So, that’s why today, I choose to laugh!

Can I just give you some background? When I am stressed, I do 3 things. I shop, I bake, I run. Let me just be real and say my money these days only goes so far! So my shopping days are limited. Moving onto to stress reliever number 2: baking. Yes, love it! I could bake all day long and be a happy camper. Hold up. Stress reliever number 3 is a NO-GO. So, in essence, this kinda cancels out the baking, you see?! If I love to bake but cannot exercise, I am in deep trouble. Combine that with the fact that I’ve probably already gained 10 lbs from that prescription. Classic. What are the chances?! Here I am laughing again! Sigh.

I have followed the rules. Until today. I was feeling narcoleptic, (add that to the list of crazy side effects!) horror-monal, and apparently rebellious, because I laced up my running shoes and hopped on my treadmill. Y’all. I ran 5 miles with no tv, no music, and stared at a wall for 5 miles! That, my friends, is desperation. I loved every minute.

I just want to tell all of you that are going through your treatments, regardless of what type, whatever meds you’re taking, what side effects you have encountered, and the really bad days you’ve had, hang in there. Some days I get it in my head that I am the ONLY woman that is dealing with all of this. Not true. The old “roller coaster” analogy comes to mind. This is a serious emotional roller coaster. No wonder I always hated roller coasters. They seem like they never end. The good thing is, you are not alone! Sometimes, it will do us all a world of good to look back on all we have come through with laughter, instead of acting like Debby Downer. (I speak whole-heartedly to myself!)

I love the way the New Living Translation puts Proverbs 17:22; “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit sap’s a person’s strength.” I have been on both sides of this verse, and I can truly say that both sides are true.

I think I’ll take a big ‘ole gulp of the good medicine, what about you?!

Sherah

Testing, Testing, 1,2,3

It has been 1 month since I last tapped away at the keys of my computer, composing yet another blog entry about what’s been on my heart. What a month it has been, to say the very least. Even though I haven’t blogged as much as I would like, it in no way means I haven’t thought about it, and about all of you out there who take the time to read what I have to say. I have actually sat down at my computer to start a blog, only to come up empty. I feel like I’ve said all there is to say. I feel like I’ve blogged on just about everything every woman deals with while going through what I have experienced over the last 10 months. I can usually sit down and type for days concerning what I’ve been dealing with, how it has affected me, how to try and overcome it, blah, blah, blah. But this time, something is different.

I’ve spent the last 3 months in and out of meetings and ultrasounds at the fertility clinic. I’ve had my arm poked too many times to remember. I’ve struggled with whether or not I would be diagnosed with endometriosis. I’ve been on progesterone for weeks. I’ve done everything they’ve said to do. All to come to the same excruciating conclusion that I am indefinitely, NOT pregnant. When I took my last pregnancy test and got the results, it really took everything in me not to break the test in half, and then go run over it with my car. Seriously. Shortly thereafter, I found myself outside running off my frustrations in the pouring rain, and I began to sob and scream at the top of my lungs, “Jesus, can you hear me?!” (At this point I obviously really didn’t care what anyone driving past was thinking!) I think I screamed that same phrase 4 or 5 times, just to be sure He caught my drift. There was no answer. No heavens parting. No miraculous sign He even heard what I was saying. I got home, pulled up my boot straps (in a manner of speaking) and went on my way.

I went to my very first miscarriage support group at a local church this past week. I was nervous and excited about going, hoping to meet some like-minded people who are experiencing many of the same things I had been facing. I wore my water-proof mascara, and I packed extra kleenex.. I was set. I sat there with tears streaming down my face after listening to their gut wrenching stories about losing their babies. Many of them couldn’t even finish their stories because they struggled talking about it. Been there, done that. Then it was my turn. I recounted my story with every detail, beginning to end. After listening to myself say it all out loud, I sat there, stunned. I had survived this and I lived to tell about it. I sat in that support group through its entirety, thanking God over and over again under my breath for bringing me all this way. I could have given up months ago on this journey. With my human nature, I probably should have succumbed to hurt and bitterness a long time ago, but God in His infinite grace and mercy, hasn’t given up on me yet.

I’m learning, every so slowly, to understand this is all one big test. Every single detail of this test, God had planned out before I was born. How I react to what He tests me with is where the rubber meets the road. He is developing my character. Joyce Meyer said this, “Character is not developed when we get what we want. Character is developed when we don’t get what we want.” How right she is. I can display “Christian character” all day every day when I’m getting what I want, and when my prayers are being answered. However, my character takes a slightly different turn when I feel like my prayers aren’t being answered, let alone heard. When God seems mysteriously silent. That’s when true character is developed. Boy, is my character getting an overhaul! My pastor spoke on delayed promises on Sunday. He used the story about how God didn’t come to King Hezekiah’s (an extremely wealthy, successful, God-fearing man) aide right away, in order to find out how Hezekiah would react, and what he was truly made of. In 2 Chronicles 32:31 it states, “..God withdrew from him, in order to test him, that He might know all that was in his heart.” Another translation says, “God left him on his own to see what he would do; He wanted to test his heart.” Have you ever thought that just maybe God is stalling, just see how we react? Maybe all of this “refining” is for our good? Maybe all my screaming out in the pouring rain, asking if He can really hear my prayers is all just a small part of the test of my character? That poses the question: Am I passing the test? Would He be proud of the way I have acted and reacted to what I have faced? I hope so.

I am encouraged now, more than ever to fight the good fight. I’ll admit, some days it’s a struggle to live with an overcoming attitude instead of feeling sorry for myself because my promise has not yet come to pass. Jesus Christ can keep chipping away at me, but I refuse to give up. Even if things get ten times harder, and I can barely see the good in any of it, I will not quit. I am determined to pass this test. When I don’t feel like blogging another word for the rest of my life, I will muster up the courage to sit down and do it. Even if it takes me hours upon hours. I won’t stop now. I am beginning to see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.Now, I may not come out on the other side of the tunnel with a baby in my arms, but I will come out tested and refined. I choose to trust in the middle of the silence. I choose to persevere in the thick of the test. He’s brought me too far on this journey for me to throw in the towel and walk away. I know it’s cliche but it rings oh-so-true to my heart.

Romans 5:3-5 says this, “And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance, and perseverance, character; and character hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”

Let’s pull up our boots straps and keep on marching through the tunnel.

Sherah

What about the rest?

As a woman, it’s very hard for me to rest. It’s hard for me to sit down with a book in my hand and just chill. The dishwasher that is yet to be unloaded, the piles of whites and darks in the laundry room, the dog hair that glistens upon the ever-dusty furniture…it all cries out my name in horror. I am a, “must-be-doing-something-at-all-times” addict. Heaven forbid I sit down and watch a movie without folding laundry. I can’t just ‘talk’ to my friends on the phone without getting coffee & lunches ready for the morning. Nope. I cannot do it. My name is Sherah, and I need help learning how to rest.

Can I be completely transparent and tell you I deal with unrest in the area of wanting so desperately to have children? There are days when I feel as if the thoughts, doctors appointments, pending diagnoses, fertility treatments, and general worry about all of the above keep me so up in arms I can barely keep my head above water. I promised myself it would never get this way, but,well, yeah. You know. Surprise surprise! It has. Worry. My biggest enemy. Worry is the opposite of rest. And as luck would have it, that’s what I do best! I worry I will never conceive a baby again, I worry that the fertility doctor might miss something during all my tests, I worry that if I do get pregnant again, will the baby survive? I worry about my husband’s emotions, and oddly enough, I worry about my own sanity! Hilarious, right?! I worry so much, I have literally made myself physically sick. Not cool. I need a vacation from worrying. I need to rest.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a major “aha” moment, when I realized my unrest, caused my husband’s unrest. I was of course worried about everything and spilling all my thoughts over onto him, when he firmly stated, “Sherah, I don’t know what to do! I can’t fix it, and I can’t let this consume you!” I was not very happy with him at first, and I rattled off something about how I’ll never talk about it again. (Adult of me, I know) The more I thought about what he said, the more convicted I felt. Why in the world am I letting this get to me? My husband, although he would if he could, obviously cannot fix this situation. I obviously can’t do anything about it either. So, what gives? Why am I worrying an excessive amount, and causing unrest in my own home,  about something we put in God’s hands a long time ago? I don’t know. Worry is doubting God’s plan for my life. Whoops. Worry is what happens when I try to take control of something I’ve already handed over. I must release my grip. Letting go is the hardest part. But, guess what? This is what Jesus Christ promises me:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:28

I wonder how many of us could take a fresh dose of rest? Those of you who, like me, day in and day out find something new to let our minds start worrying about. I challenge myself, and all of you, to rest.  Rest from the worries of what is to come, or what has been. Rest from the anxiety of what you may be dealing with TODAY.

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7 (NIV)

You and I don’t have to worry, because the moment we placed our fears and doubts in His hands, He already had it taken care of. His ways are so much higher than ours. He doesn’t expect us to stress ourselves out all day, or lay awake all night worrying.(“It is in vain that you rise up early  and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for He gives sleep to His beloved.” Psalms 127:2) Nor does He expect us to “fix” the problem. He asks us to rest in Him. So, let’s let Him do what He promised.

I encourage you to do the things you did before you started worrying about a baby. Go on a date. Dress up. Don’t speak a word about anything other than each other. Read a book about something other than that of family planning, fertility, conceiving..you catch my drift. Have a girls night without talking about kids. Stay home all day and do something you love. Watch your favorite movies, knit, quilt, scrapbook, run, bake. Focus on something besides when you ovulate next! Rest. Rest. Rest. Rest for your mind, rest for your soul, rest for your physical body. I promise you, it makes a difference. Every day will get a little bit easier. I am choosing to rest. Rest from the constant baby walk and the constant baby talk, until I feel like God is asking more of me. Join me, won’t you?

Until next time.. Rest. I am praying for YOU!

“My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken.” Psalm 62:1-2

Panic Room

August 20th. The day has finally arrived. So many thoughts, emotions, and tears have filled the day. THE day. The day I was expecting to hold a little boy or girl in my arms. The day I expected all my family to be in town with big smiles and happy tears. The day I did NOT expect to be left with nothing but memories. To be honest, I thought I was little better equipped to handle this day than I had anticipated. I suppose this hasn’t been the first time I’ve been wrong! This past week has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster in that one day I feel ready to conquer the world, and the next I am completely numb. So many little things have seemed to play into one big, enormous attack of the crocodile tears.

After visiting my dear friends who just became parents this past week in the hospital, I was making my way out of the huge facility and I got completely turned around. While trying to find the best way out and to my car, all of a sudden, the part of the hospital I was in, became suddenly familiar. I had to literally stop dead in my tracks. Have you ever experienced paralyzing fear or something inside where you just feel you can’t seem to move or speak? That’s what happened. I literally broke out in a cold sweat when I realized that I was standing directly in front of the room where I had my first ultrasound the night I began to miscarry. A flood of memories came rushing back, and I could literally remember the thoughts that were going through my head while I was laying on that table, in THAT room. “Will they find a heartbeat? Why is this taking so long? Shouldn’t they see something by now? What if my baby isn’t there anymore? Can this really be happening to me?” I just stood there in silence, trying to move..or think…or… something. I came face to face with feelings that I have tried so hard to block from my mind, and on this week of all weeks, those feelings, and that room, stood there having a face-off with me. This was just too ironic to be ironic. Maybe God has a sense of humor? Or maybe I was just reading way too much into it. Whatever the case, I couldn’t move. Couldn’t God have just led me a different way out of the hospital?! I text my friend and my sister and asked them if they thought God had a sense of humor. Seriously, I did! I just could NOT understand why in the world He would have let me walk THAT way, on THIS week, to THAT room. I know He could have easily prevented it. This is why it nagged me so much.

I began to pray and ask God to give me an answer as to why this scenario played out the way it did. Obviously, He wanted me to walk past that room, on this week, for a reason. My answer came through my husband. When I began telling him what had happened earlier that evening, he gave me an answer that floored me. In so many words, he said that it’s possible God brought me to that place, that exact ultrasound room, to show me what He saved me from. Maybe that baby had a genetic disorder, a debilitating   handicap, an incurable illness, or some sort of abnormality that would never allow my baby to carry on a normal life. Maybe God wanted to change my thinking from being so panicked and confused, to being thankful He had saved me from so much more. Maybe I needed to move on from the panic room to the room of blessing. I knew my husband was right. So right. I could feel it. I was already bawling, so my husband took my hands and we began to thank God for what He saved us from… “Thank you Jesus for knowing the way we take. Thank you God for saving us from what could have been a lifetime of suffering. Thank you Lord for always knowing what’s best for us and even though it may hurt, You guide us in the right direction…”

Now, most of you probably will not be faced with this exact situation. I hope not, anyway. I’m not sure why I had to come full circle in this. I have no idea why He is choosing to teach me this way. I can tell you with all honesty, it has not been easy. Half the time I feel like I have to learn my lesson five million times before it gets ingrained into my brain!

I choose today, on this memorable “due date”, to move out of my own personal ‘panic room’ and into a room of blessing.  My greatest struggle WILL BE my greatest testimony. Sure, I can’t see the big picture, but I know the man who does. All the internal struggles that seem to try and trip my up faithful walk on this journey, are going to have to wait outside while I step into the next room. My room of blessing.

 

Sherah